When I last blogged I mentioned that other things had spoken to me greatly at Colour conference this year about flourishing in my life and today I have finally made some time to sit down and blog about it. I can't pinpoint one exact moment when this message became loud and clear, it was a build up of many.
There was Wendy Treat talking about opening the door to a dark room, swithcing on the light and stomping her foot to scatter the bugs, and how sometimes we need to be stomping to scatter the critters in our own lives, to be pro-actve for our families. There was Bobbie Houston talking about how what we say changes the atmosphere around us, what's coming out of our mouths that young hearts are hearing? There was Dr Leaf with all her scientific wisdom on the choices we make and our thinking shaping our brains and that we can renew our minds and change our lives. There was Christine Caine talking about being people of excellence in our lives whatever we are called to do. There was Wendy Treat again talking about staying in our own lane in life and not comparing ourselves to others, then it all finished off with a beautiful presentation of girls walking in holding lanterns to 'light the way with our lanterns on' as we bring God's light to the world around us. I came home from Colour absorbing all that and so much more, including some amazing video testimonies of ordinary women using what they had where they were to do world changing things, amazing moments of meeting God in worship and knowing something deep had stirred and changed in my heart. It took me a few day to even figure out enough of what was going on inside me to put it into words, all I could do the day after the conference was cry!!
You see I went to Colour this year a very overwhelmed, stresed out uni student who wasn't even sure I had time to go to the conference but didn't want to miss it. I was tired, I was in survival mode with my house and kids and I was feeling enormous pressure to hold onto a dream that I thought was important even though it was crushing me. What came togther in my heart and spirit processing all the stuff above was that I wasn't running my race in life properly. I was looking at other people wondering why they could juggle it all and letting that condemn me as a failure, instead of realising that each family's needs are different and what I can do is unique to me. I looked at what I was doing in life, 3 kids, uni, leading a church team, husband, house, and I wasn't doing any of it very well cause I had too many things in my head all the time. I was always rushing to the next thing and yelling at the kids to hurry up or get out of my way, I had no quality time with anybody and I was so very tired. But uni has been a dream for so many years that I was holding it so tight in my hand, an unreachable goal that I have just never been able to complete. It's not from lack of ability, in fact probably the opposite because I am a perfectionist who is used to getting distinctions and high distinctions and was trying to convince myself I could live with a credit. Surely if God gave me academic ability then He wanted me to use it right, I mean a degree can open so many doors to achieve so much and especially this degree because it was about peace, development and human rights, the passions of my heart. I wanted this piece of paper to change the world.
And then Colour made me stop and look at my smaller world and realise that my passion was lacking there. I was finding motherhood such a challenge that I was constantly negative, rarely finding any joy in my days, just getting by and not being pro-active about anything, I couldn't even remember that last time I had purposefully sat down and prayed for my children and all they had heard from me was negativity about being 'stuck at home' with them. I certainly wasn't enjoying my children, I was wishing the days away until they were grown up enough so that I could do something important. And I had everything backwards. I'm not saying that other people can't study and be a good mum, i'm saying that I realised I can't. If I can't even be God's light in my own home cause i'm so busy and stressed trying to do something to be the light somewhere else then I have completely missed the point. My kids will grow up, other opportunities may come, but right now this is my race and it needs me to be passionate about it. I felt like I was in a triathlon, trying to ride a bicycle through the swiiming section of the race, not a good fit at all. So I took Bobbie Houston's advice to 'resolve' and I resolved that I will flourish where I am with what I have in my hand right now and that is my family, to be the light first in my own home and it will spread out from there.
I still have mind numbing days of kids fighting, house trashed and need a coffee just to get past 9am, and I have still had moments of losing it, yelling at kids, venting on facebook, but I am also finding so much more joy on the journey. I am seeing what a gift it is to have 3 healthy children, a home and a husband and I don't want to lose sight of that. I have a 4 year old who is incredibly fragile emotionally and is currently going through the process of being assesed for being on the autism spectrum, I have a 14 (this week) year old who is on the spectrum who is retreating within himself and who as school gets harder is hiding homework and throwing assignment sheets in the bin rather than asking for help, and I have a 3 year old who never runs out of energy. That's a different race lane to other people and God knew that the people in this lane need a focussed pro-active mother who has the time, the passion and the focus at this particular time for where they're at and what they need. And I can still be the light outside my home too. Whether it's the children we sponsor, the families I impact through kids ministry at church, the people around me I can encourage, meals I can drop to families, fundraising that I can help with at a pregnancy support service, or even signing up for my first ever fun run to raise funds for A21 as they fight human trafficking. There are many, many ways to change the world, but not all of them are part of my lane right now. I don't have to be 'important' or even visible to make a difference, I just have to be faithful. And so I choose to flourish first in my home and bring light to the world starting from here.
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