Yesterday was mother's day which was very fitting as it has only been in the last couple of weeks that I have finally found peace in my job as a mum. I have to admit that motherhood has been one of my greatest challenges and has taken me to the edge of myself many times. The clincher was a Thursday morning a couple of weeks ago when the morning was pure chaos, no-one would co-operate getting out the door on time, the house looked like a cyclone went through it and I felt like a complete and utter failure as a mother. The thought went through my head that morning 'if I can't even be a mum then i'm no good for anything, these kids are better off without me I should just go drive off a cliff'. Needless to say I was not in a good head space and felt like dark clouds were engulfing me!!! I knew I was on thin ice and scared myself so I made a decision that changed everything and decided I needed to be where other Christian women could help me and despite running late I went to sisterhood at my church.
That morning was a divine appointment because the message that morning was by a psychologist all about our thought lives and amongst the many things he said that impacted me were his comments that he sees a lot of women with postnatal depression and something they all have in common is checklists in their heads of how everything should be and I gasped, cause that describes me and I always just thought it was normal but realised it was my own insane expectations that were crushing me!!! I went from having 1 child, to having 3 children all within 14 months which was quite a whirlwind and I never adjusted my expectations from when I had 1 child. I was getting myself so frustrated because things were just never as they 'should be' in the perfect world I pictured in my head, without grasping the reality that things would never be the same again!! Of course there is more mess, of course there is more to do and more to remember and i'm more tired, because there are more children, it doesn't make me a failure, it's simple maths and I just hadn't grasped it. I realised that morning that my mental checklists had to go before I really lost the plot. If I leave the house in the morning and the beds aren't made will the world end?? If my folding is days behind and I choose to do puzzles with the girls instead what would please my kids and my God more, that I invested time in my precious little treasures or that my chores were up to date?
After the message that Thursday morning I burst into tears with 2 amazing women from my church and ended up going back to the house of 1 of them where the 3 of us and our kiddies had lunch. I sat there with these women who also both have 3 children each and realised that they 'get it' about what's important and about the value of people over perfection. Her house was a mess and she invited us over anyway, and I didn't care at all about her house, I loved that she invited me and valued time with me and that had an eternal impact on me that day!!! And so I am on a new journey in my thought life and in my mothering. I tested that out last Friday when I invited some women over for a mother's day morning tea. I cooked yummy treats and decorated the room, but ran out of time to clean the house and decided it didn't matter and didn't stress about it. The ladies came, had a lovely time, they loved the decorations and food and I don't think anyone even noticed I hadn't cleaned the toilet cause they felt blessed to be invited, besides the kids squashed cupcakes on the floor and I had to vacuum afterwards anyway so it would've been a waste of energy to do it beforehand.
And so I have engaged in warfare in my mind, to fill it with God's expectations and valuing of me and not my own perfectionist expectations! It has changed my perspective to actually enjoy motherhood not just to endure it. My life is crazy, full of mess, noise, poop, chaos, but it is so beautiful, to watch my little ones learn new things about the world around them and want to play and dance with mummy, to watch my boy settling into high school, making friends and feeling so proud of how far he's come. To see how excited my girls were on mother's day to give presents and kisses to mummy just melted my heart. I don't want to miss the beauty in my own life because I have let darkness fill my head, when my kids are grown I want their memories to be of a mummy that was kind, of a mummy who spent time with them and made them feel valued, not of a mummy who was stressed and yelling all the time cause nothing ever went to plan! And so I am going to enjoy being a mummy, chaos and all, and I will happily have you over for coffee and cake just try not to trip over the toys on the floor!!
2 comments:
Yay! I am on a similar journey and have an insane expectations check list in my head. But slowly I am 'getting it.'
So glad you are blogging again xoxo
Loved this post. Its something I struggle with daily that I'm trying very hard to sort out. I too have a crazy check list and I also compare myself to other families that don't have even half the amount of children I have. Of course I'm going to have more washing and probably more mess lol
Thanks for sharing! Us mums should try and show our messier houses more often to other mums!
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